Undecided

This is another older poem that I reworked. Just today, actually, and rather quickly. The new version is much improved.


UNDECIDED

Lately I’ve been feeling sick.
I don’t get hungry.
In fact, I think I’m going to puke.
Something has filled me to excess.
Two extremes and I can’t decide.
Attainable happiness or unreachable dream…
…the choice should be easy.
So why don’t I have the nerve to decide?
Because I don’t want my life to be full of
lies and deceit and regret.

To know you’re there is enough.
To know you’re thinking of me constantly is enough.
Or it should be.
But when you’re here it hurts.
It hurts because I don’t want you to be just “here.”
I want you here beside me, so close I can feel it.
I want you to shelter me from anything that can harm me.
I want you to be sitting or standing or lying beside me.
I want you to be able to comfort me constantly.
I want you to caress me if anything goes wrong.
I want you to care for me more than anything else.
I want you to make me feel guilty when you get so jealous.
And you do.
I want you.
I want you to love me.
And you do.
But I still can’t decide.

I can’t decide what to say or what little to say
before it’s too much.
I want signs.
I need them to help me navigate this terrain.
Or do I just trust my own sense of direction?
I ponder whether it’s worth forever to veer off the path I see before me.
I ponder whether I’ll ever make it back to where I started,
where I stand now,
if that’s where I’d rather be.
I’m standing here trying to decide
thinking it’s your turn to decide.