In A Relationship

So weeks will go by and I don't hear from her. Then when I do, it's either "Hey, I'll be out for happy hour" or "This is the worst week of my life." I'm not sure if the problem is I'm trying to give more than she wants or if she's really just not sure what she wants. Either way, in the weeks between our tedious e-mail conversations I've come to realize that this isn't what I thought it was. She's not who I'm in love with. The person I'm in love with, if she had rejected me like this, would not go on treating me the way I'm currently being treated (in a way I can't even describe). I kept thinking along those lines and I realize that I've actually rejected myself. And now it feels like the real healing begins.


IN A RELATIONSHIP

Despite what you think, this is who I am.
And despite my ideas, that is who you are.
You said I lost my romantic when the opposite is true.
In the time we were apart I idealized you
into something you aren’t, something you never were.
I was blinded by what my mind had imagined,
someone I wanted,
someone who would give me that amazing love.
That someone no longer exists, perhaps never existed.

My creation rejects me.
You say it’s grotesque.
I’ve disappointed myself more than anything.
I dressed you up in dreams and then woke up
when you came knocking.
It’s too late for me. But not for us.

It is grotesque that I’ll still let you break my heart.
Because you have and you do and you will.
I know that so there’s nothing to worry about.
No one could make me forget if I’m still remembering.

I sort through memories wondering what any of us deserve.
I deal with it all in a conversation that might never end
because I can see the glory.
What we become can only be our design.
I still think it’s beautiful.