Okay

Wow, I can't believe it's been over two months since my last post. The drama has continued, and I think now ended. It's taken strength on my part, but I think I'm finally healing. Almost a month ago I received an e-mail from her telling me that she was pregnant. This was unsettling to me for various reasons. As harsh as it sounds and as cold as it might make me, I wasn't happy. I couldn't be happy, not after everything I knew. So I didn't respond. She got understandably upset by my lack of response, but I knew even if I tried to fake excitement it would be taken wrong and just end up like most of our arguments, with us fighting and no end in sight. I just needed some time to process it all, especially with the uncertainty of my own life lately. My silence and her lack of patience has now resulted in what I guess is the end. She seems to have cut me out of her life. In a sick way I'm almost glad things happened this way with her turning her back on me. It would seem like now we're even and now I truly can move on with my life. For now, then, this blog will be suspended. But not withttp://www2.blogger.com/img/gl.photo.gif
Add Imagehout one last post. This is a poem I wrote months ago while trying to recover from too many drinks the night before. I've recently revised it.

OKAY

Okay, so shut up a minute and let me think for fuck’s sake.
Everything I’m trying to say sounds pretentious and I hate it.
I hate that I can’t express myself.
What is it I want to say? What do I need to say?
Are they the same?
What am I trying to say?

I know, how very romantic of me, I’m sure.
I find my comfort in song titles and sitcoms, Paula Abdul
and Ann Curry. She hugged me once,
I think she thought I was a homeless retard.
I had been outside Rockefeller Center since 5am
when it was still dark outside on the morning
Today was first extended to three hours.

See, here’s where I have problems. I get so far in and then freeze.
Maybe it’s my hangover. I think my blood is still running a little thin.
I can’t decide if I’m hot or cold.
I can’t decide if I should make myself throw up to feel better or
if maybe in an hour or two I’ll forget this ever happened.

And here’s where I want to take a nap. Maybe not forever,
but certainly for an hour or two.
I want to take off my glasses and let
the world go fuzzy so I don’t have to pay
attention. I so easily lose interest.

Who cares? What makes me better
than the guy sitting next to me in theatre 7?
We both have buttered popcorn and paid
our $5 to see Stranger Than Fiction.
I’m sure that someone feels the same way about him
that someone feel about me. I can’t say I understand that.

Jesus Christ, why do I have so many questions?
Do I not want the answers? Are they even being offered?
Sometimes rubbing my eyes helps my weariness. But not today
so I better focus on rehydrating instead.
Why does this water taste like oranges? My coffee smells like hydrogen peroxide.
This is what I’m thinking. Sweet mercy, it’s only 10:30 in the morning.
I’ll get a good momentum going and then have no idea what the hell I’m doing.
How do I end this? I want to more than anything.

What am I even talking about? Is this about the movie? Or drinks? Or lunch?
Maybe I should do this every day. Ugh, I can’t even imagine.
I can’t even stand writing it, who would be able to stand reading it?
Have I already lost you? Where to now? If you’ve made it this far,
I’ll let you pick a title. I can’t be fucking bothered.