Blue Ruin

Wow, it's been a wild ride these last couple months. I had a wonderful birthday month in August before turning 30 on the 23rd. A few weeks later I was fired from my job. The next week I was on vacation and since then my life has been consumed with finding a new career. I've never been fired before. The experience at first left me in shock. Then I was angry. Then I saw it as a blessing in disguise. I hadn't been too happy at my job. Overworked, underappreciated, annoyed with the monotony...I wasn't going anywhere else in the company and lately I was just not being challenged enough. As bitter as I was and still am about how it all went down, it was at the same time quite possibly one of the best things to happen in my life. Sure I've been stressing a bit about money. But there's more important things than that and this search for a new career using my background and skills has made me see that. I'm moving on to better things one way or another. My supportive friends have me excited about some changes to be made and our shared enthusiasm has me thirsty for what lies ahead.
Needless to say she hasn't really been a big concern. And this poem here is likely the last poem about us. I've been working on it for months. At this point my interest in our relationship has hit an all time low. I can't help it, I finally have to be selfish and just do what's best for me.


BLUE RUIN

I’m all over the place.
The freedom distracts me and I can’t focus on what’s in front of me.
What is it that I can’t let go?
I’m back to hating all my words.

I never thought it would be possible for me not to love you.
I love you and then I hate you, different parts of you
that make me hate myself for not being the fantasy you hoped for.
I cannot swallow in front of you.
My jaw stiffens.
My teeth tighten.
I bite my tongue.
I sit here in a pool of my own sweat wondering what I’m doing.
My glasses fog up and I can’t focus on what’s in front of me.
I see all your potential and then I see you afraid to say no to anyone but me.
How many times?
All you could say says so much.
I write like a poet trapped
in this empty space you’ve helped me create
surrounded by silent prayers.
I’ve already used up all my best lines.

I read the words you write and I wonder
if you understand what I’m reading.
You found me because you can’t forget me
while I can’t forget our stolen lies of being in love with love.
There is no point.
Your only interest in me is my interest in you.
Now we only have what’s left in front of us.
If I’m not here I’m not worth it.
You know what I want to say
but you have no idea what I’m thinking.

The reality becomes my nightmare and the past resurfaces.
The pain I escape spills into my dreams,
the truth following me wherever I go.
Am I afraid I’ll lose something by losing you?
I never know why you think I don’t need you.
Maybe you’ve finally convinced me that I don’t.
I’m ready to wake up and see what it is I won’t leave behind.